Evas & Dragons
by Caligoiel
Summary: Some of the Evangelion cast take up D&D. As you can imagine, chaos ensues.
1. There Be Goblins

**Evas & Dragons: Part 1: There be goblins.**  
  
By Caligoiel  
  
Authors notes: I am a real D&D fan and something I always wondered, what would happen if the Eva cast got introduced to D&D? Well... this is what I think would happen, Enjoy! Hehehe... The story begins after everyone has been told in private what their character is and what their goals are and we shall presume that they know the basics of the game after much patience on Kaji's part.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Italics: Kaji in GM mode_  
  
Normal font: everyone else.   
  
_"The realm of Sundhesselar, a nation of vast forests and picturesque valleys with beautiful flowing rivers. A land of magic and adventure, dungeons and dragons, great heroes and terrible villains. Our adventure begins in the large metropolis of Kotoyo; a city famous for it's roast pork, magical goods and the Amethyst Tower. The Amethyst Tower stands tall in the very centre of Kotoyo and stands as a testament to the great magics that are worked there. The Amethyst Tower is a secure enclave where the most promising spellcasters come to learn and practice their art. Members of this exclusive group known as the Order of the Amethyst, sleep in the tower, eat in the tower, study in the tower and grow up in the tower. The tower is their home and family."  
  
"But because members of the Amethyst Order are so well known and respected, they are also targets of sinister plots. All too often, those with evil..."  
_  
"Hey Shinji! Is my sandwich ready yet? You're taking for ever!"  
  
_"... intent try to kidnap or harm these gifted pupils. Today is the day when two of the Tower's most promising students are sent on their..."  
_  
"SHINJI! How hard is it to make a sandwich? I can't believe..." yelled Asuka, obviously annoyed that her hunger wasn't being sated at this very moment.  
  
_ "Asuka! Do you mind? I am talking about you so the least you can do is listen," frowned Kaji._  
  
"Whose idea was it to play this roleplaying game anyway?" grumbled Toji.  
  
"Mine!" exclaimed Misato, "so give it a chance alright? It's a lot of fun."  
  
"Fine..." grumbled Toji and Asuka in unison.  
  
_"Ahem, where was I? Oh yes... Today is the day where two of the Tower's most promising students are to make their pilgrimage to the dreaded Cave of Trials."  
_  
"Aww geez, that's so cheesy! I mean come on, Cave of Trials? What's next? An evil fire breathing dragon with a big hoard?" remarked Asuka.  
  
"Come on Asuka, this is getting good. Let Mr. Ryoji finish!" interrupted Kensuke, most annoyed.  
  
"What was that?," smirked Asuka, "fine... but first, WHERE'S MY SANDWICH!"  
  
"Sorry Asuka," replied Shinji, handing Asuka a plate with a ham salad sandwich on it.  
  
"About time... I was..."  
  
_"Can I continue?" frowned Kaji, "good..."  
_  
_ "Like I was saying... the dreaded Cave of Trials. We begin in the great hall of the Amethyst Tower where one of the promising students is being led by Tower attendants towards the atrium. Asuka, the attendant opens the door to the atrium and gestures for you to enter."_  
  
"So I am one of the promising students hm? Not a surprise, I am the great beautiful Sorceress Asuka La..."  
  
_"Stop Asuka, you can't call your character Asuka," commented Kaji.  
_  
"And why not?" questioned Asuka impatiently.  
  
_ "This is a roleplaying game, you are pretending to be someone else... right?"_  
  
"Fine. I look at the attendant. I place my hands on my hips and speak to him confidently. Not a surprise, I am the great beautiful Sorceress... er... Tashia."  
  
_ "Yes M'lady says the attendant as he gestures towards the door. The other pupil is already waiting in the atrium."_  
  
"Fine fine, I'll go and see who it is..." says Asuka.  
  
_ "You walk towards the atrium and see a young female elf with short white hair. She is dressed in simple but quality robes."  
_  
"Greetings, I am the Diviner Rain. I am to acco..."  
  
"WHAT?" yelled Asuka, "WONDERGIRL? WONDERGIRL IS THE OTHER PROMISING PUPIL! No way, No way in hell am I..."  
  
_ "Asuka... it's not Rei. Rei is only playing the Diviner, alright?" sighed Kaji, tired from all the interruptions.  
_  
Asuka blushed and shrunk down in her seat. "Right... I knew that... anyway. So, you are the other promising pupil huh? A Diviner? What is that, someone who can tell the future and read palms?" grinned Asuka sarcastically.  
  
"That is incorrect. I have the ability to locate lost objects, view people that are far away, and I can also tell the future using special items."  
  
"Oh really?, leered Asuka, "so what does my future hold then?"  
  
"I want to cast a divining spell to find out what Tashia's future is."  
  
_ "Alright, you cast the spell," replies Kaji as he rolls a d20 that lands on 20. "According to your spell, Tashia shall fall at the hands of a peg legged goblin by the name of Stumpy."_  
  
"Right..." laughed Asuka, "I, the great Sorceress Tashia will die by the hands of a handicapped goblin with a name that sounds like it belongs to a rabbit or some other furry rodent? Are you sure you are meant to travel with me?"  
  
"Yes, I am sure. I would not laugh at the matter, I have given you a warning and I am rarely wrong," said Rei apathetically.  
  
"Pffft," replied Asuka, flicking her hair back. "So, who are we waiting for?"  
  
_ "M'lady, we are awaiting your guide... ah there he is! You see before you a young man in studded leather armour with a long bow strapped to his back and a longsword at his side. He is clean shaven with short brown hair."_  
  
"G-good day M'lady, I am Adhan, forest Ranger and scout." stuttered Shinji.  
  
"Hmmm, you're not much to look at...' remarked Asuka.  
  
"Hmph, where have I heard THAT one before?" grimaced Toji, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Toji, shush!" whispered Hikari, placing a finger in front of her lips.  
  
"S-sorry, M'lady..." stuttered Shinji some more.  
  
"Listen Ranger boy, if you say sorry ONE MORE time, I will shove a flaming sphere where the sun don't shine, and boy will it shine then, got it?"  
  
"S-sorry..." Shinji cringed.  
  
Asuka glared menacingly at Shinji then grinned evilly. "By my power and the power of the elements, I call upon the fires of..." began Asuka.  
  
_ "Er...." stuttered Kaji, "M'lady. If you dispose of the Ranger then you will have no one to guide you to the Cave of Trials. And besides, this gentleman is good at what he does."  
_  
"What is that then? Saying sorry?" she chuckled.  
  
"Sorceress Tashia, Ranger Adhan. I do believe that we have a long journey ahead of us. Let us leave now so that we can accomplish our tasks in the Cave of Trials."  
  
_"Right you are M'lady. I wish you good luck and look forward to your return." Kaji turned to his gaze towards the entire group. "So the two Sorceresses and the Ranger took their horses and began to ride their way to the Cave of Trials, a journey which will take a long and dangerous week. On the first day of your travel you reach the Glimmer Forest, a forest known for banditry and the occasional rabid squirrel. The sky is getting dark as the thick forest canopy blocks out much of the sunlight. Fallen twigs and leaves crack under the hooves of your mounts and their breaths create a white mist. Do listen checks."_  
  
"12," said Asuka.  
  
"18," whispered Rei.  
  
"5," mumbled Shinji.  
  
"Ha, you can't even roll a die right Shinji?" Asuka smirked, finding the situation very amusing.  
  
_ "Rei, you can hear the faint sounds of a battle in the distance"_  
  
"Sorceress Tashia, Ranger Adhan. I can hear the faint sounds of battle in the distance." whispered Rei.  
  
"Oh really? Well that's your department Ranger boy. You're our guardian, so guard!" instructed Asuka.  
  
Shinji looked uneasily at Asuka "Shouldn't we take a look? Maybe someone needs our help." he asked.  
  
"Who cares? Our task is to go to the Cave of Trials and..."  
  
"Suddenly, you hear a high pitched wail that quickly gets louder and louder before a small green object flies straight past you and hits a tree with a very satisfying thud. It shouts out in pain, OUCH! The little green man dressed in furs and bits or armour pulls itself of the tree and plops down onto the ground"  
  
"What the heck was that?" asked Asuka.  
  
"I do not know," replied Rei.  
  
"Whatever it is, it's still alive!" exclaimed Shinji.  
  
_ "Soon, you hear the sound of more high pitched chatter and the sound of clanking metal. From the forest emerges 6 more little green men, a young woman in full plate with a shield, and a young man in chainmail with a greatsword."  
_  
"In the name of Justice I command you vile goblins to surrender!" Hikari cried righteously, "I am Maia, Paladin of Light and I will end your evil ways."  
  
"You know they're not going to surrender, don't you?" grinned Toji.  
  
"All creatures have goodness in their hearts dear Squire. All they need is guidance in the right direction, and then they shall learn goodly right from evil wrong," continued Hikari enthusiastically. She was taking on the character very well and was obviously enjoying herself.  
  
_ "The goblin that hit the tree stands up straight, but it's peg leg is still imbedded in the tree. The goblin says; You will NEVER take me alive, my minions will kill you and eat your meat for dinner! We will take your flesh and marinate it in a nice ginger sauce before roasting it on an open flame with some chestnuts and cider!"  
_  
Asuka stared wide eyed at Rei and her face grew pale. "D-didn't you say I would die by the hand of a peg legged goblin named Stumpy?"  
  
_"What? How do you know my name?"_  
  
"Oh mein Gott... ADHAN! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GUARD ME!"  
  
"I-I will defend you Asu-Tashia!" answered Shinji  
  
"For great justice!" cried Hikari a little too enthusiastically. She then blushed and muttered softly. "Sorry, that didn't come out right..."  
  
"Time to shed some anger," grinned Toji.  
  
"I predict the goblins will meet an unfortunate end..." whispered Rei.  
  
_ "Alright everyone, initiative time. Roll a d20 and add your initiative mod." Kaji rolls two d20 and gets a 7 and a 16. "Ok, what did everyone get?"  
_  
"10," replied Rei, examining the figurine that represented her character.  
  
"12," cried Hikari. These goblins are going to pay!  
  
"20," cheered Asuka.  
  
"Good roll Asuka," smiled Hikari.  
  
"Naturally," grinned Asuka.  
  
"Mine's a 9," mumbled Toji.  
  
"I got a..." sighed Shinji, "I got a 5... is this thing broken or something?"  
  
_"Ok Asuka, you first. What do you do?"  
_  
"I jump off my horse and rush behind Adhan using him as cover, he is my guardian and all."  
  
_ "Fine, you rush behind Adhan and use his body as cover, staying as close to him as you can and..."_  
  
"What? Not like that hentai! Geez, I'm going to have to shower now, touching a dirty Ranger like that."  
  
_ "Stumpy pulls his peg leg out of the tree and lands on the ground clumsily. He draws his short sword and buckler and rushes behind the tree. Hikari?"_  
  
"I rush up to the nearest goblin and pet it."  
  
_ "What?"_  
  
"Er... I rush up to the nearest goblin and try to convince it of the error of it's ways, my diplomacy is through the roof."  
  
_ "Right... fine, you approach the goblin who looks at you with blood thirsty eyes. What do you say to it?"_  
  
"Goblin, I do not wish to harm you. Abandon your evil ways and become a contributing member of society! Set an example to your fellow goblins... attend school, get an education, find a job and live the way you were meant to. Go, go goblin and be free!!!"  
  
_ "... roll diplomacy."_  
  
"I got a 15..."  
  
"This isn't going to work," commented Toji.  
  
_ "Sorry, but 15 is not going to do..."_  
  
Hikari beams widely. "So my diplomacy check is 30."  
  
_"WHAT? How? You are a level 1 character, how did you get 30 from 15??"_  
  
"Easy!" My charisma is 21, I have 4 ranks in diplomacy, I am a human from the Nevermeet region which gives a 4 bonus to diplomacy checks, and I have the Pacifist feat!"  
  
"You're a pacifistic Paladin, how the heck are you going to smite heftily then?" asked Asuka in amazement, "we're doomed..."  
  
_"Well... uh... the goblin listens to your words intently. Tears form in it's eyes from the guilt it feels because of the evil acts it had done. It tosses it's weapons aside and jumps up and down shouting 'I'm free, I'm free!'. It runs off into the forest... happy... free... hrmm Rei?"_  
  
"I will take out my crossbow and fire at one of the nearby goblins, I roll a 12. With my mods that is a 15. I also roll 3 damage."  
  
_ "Ok, you fire your crossbow at the goblin and it falls over as the bolt hits it in the chest, hurting it a lot. Toji?"_  
  
"Right then, I swing my greatsword and charge at Stumpy." leered Toji, licking his lips in anticipation.  
  
_ "You will have to bypass some goblins drawing attacks of opportunity. Still want to do it? That and Stumpy is behind a tree."_  
  
"Oh yeah, never mind. I try and hit the goblin in front of me then. Damn it! I rolled a 1!"  
  
_ Kaji grined evilly. "That's unfortunate, you swing your weapon but that fried chicken you had earlier left your hands all greasy and the weapon slips out of your hand and flies of in a random direction." Kaji rolls a d8 and gets a 1. "Hmmm... well, the greatsword flies out of your hand directly in front of you and lands in the middle of the goblin horde."_  
  
"Oh shit..." muttered Toji wide eyed, "... so screwed."  
  
_ "It's now the goblins' turn. Goblin 1 looks at the greatsword that is right next to it and tries to pick it up, but isn't strong enough. Goblin 2 assists goblin 1 and they manage to pickup the oversized greatsword. The glare at you Toji menacingly and wave the greatsword around. Goblin 3 charges at Hikari and takes a swing at her, but it misses wildly. Goblin 4 charges at Asuka and tries to grab her._  
  
"What, no way! No way am I going to let a goblin touch me like this, are goblins perverts as well?"  
  
_"In trying to grab you it provokes an attack of opportunity. What do you do Asuka?"_  
  
"I slap the damn thing of course. I'm not letting any little green thing have it's way with me! Crap, I rolled a 10... I missed didn't I?" cried Asuka in concern.  
  
_ "That you did, the goblin grabs you and overpowers you..."_  
  
"Ha ha Asuka! You got beaten by a goblin!" laughed Toji.  
  
"At least I didn't GIVE them my weapon stooge." smirked Asuka in retaliation.  
  
"It's true Toji," added Kensuke, "you did practically give them your weapon..."  
  
"When... am aye... turn'n up Kaaaajjjii?" blubbered Misato, already on her 4th can of Yebisu.  
  
_ "Not yet, just wait a little longer. Like I was saying, the goblin grabs Tashia and starts to drag her off towards the other goblins. Goblin 5 charges at the paladin and takes a swing. What's your AC Hikari?"  
_  
"My AC is... 20."  
  
_ "Well then, the goblin's short sword flies towards your leg but bounces harmlessly off your platemail which a first level character shouldn't have in the first place because it is unbalancing... speaking of which, how did you get the platemail?"_  
  
"Well, I am a pacifist and so I am a member of the White Knights. They provide me with a suit of platemail instead of normal armour and a weapon. A good exchange I think.  
  
_"Powergamer," coughed Kaji. "Ok, Shinji, it is your turn."_  
  
"It is? I... I draw my longsword and charge at the goblin that has taken Asuka. I roll a 20! Oh my, it's a critical! I do 20 damage!," grinned Shinji excitedly.  
  
_ "Okay, you charge the goblin and slice it's arm clean of, killing the goblin instantly, releasing Tashia but also spraying her fine robes in blood."_  
  
"What the heck! Aw that's just great Ranger boy! Look what you did to my beautiful robes, they're all ruined." shouted Asuka in annoyance.  
  
"S-sorry..."  
  
Asuka glared at Shinji. "Kaji, it's my turn next right? Well, I am going to choke the Ranger boy for ruining my robes! Oh look, I rolled a 19, and I doubt you're going to beat that, not with all the fives you keep rolling! I wrap my hands around Ranger boy's neck and shake him back and forth. You idiot, do you know how much these robes cost me, where am I going to get a replacement out here? huh? Huh? Have you no brains, don't you ever think?"  
  
"I... Y-you were in d-danger! I'm sorry!"  
  
"GYAAAH!!!" roared Asuka, now choking Shinji for real.  
  
_ "Right... so Tashia and Adhan are having a spat, IC and OOC... not a surprise. Ok, Stumpy the goblin is nowhere to be seen. Hikari?"_  
  
"I take my shield and smack the goblin in front of me over the head. I got a 17... er what damage do I do?"  
  
_ "You're doing subdual damage, so roll a d6 and add your strength."_  
  
"Haha! I did 7 damage! Is it out cold?" asked Hikari anxiously.  
  
_"You bonk the goblin on the head with your large shield, giving it big lump and knocking it out cold. Rei?"_  
  
"I cast magic missile on the goblin I shot earlier. I do 4 damage."  
  
_ "A red orb shoots out of your hand and hits the poor goblin squarely in the chest, knocking it back down on the ground and killing it. This goblin was helping carry the big greatsword so now a lone goblin is carrying the oversized weapon. Toji?"_  
  
Toji grabed a d20 and rubbed it between his palms. "I am going to charge at that goblin and grab my sword and then swing at it. I roll 14 on my disarming check.  
  
_ "Great, that was enough to grab the weapon from the goblin. It looks at you with puppy dog eyes as you begin to swing your weapon."_  
  
"Tough luck pal. No one, and I mean NO ONE touches my sword and lives to tell the tale. Not a human, not a goblin, not an elf nor gnomes or halflings... especially gnomes. I swing at it and get a 14 on my attack roll and do 7 damage."  
  
_ "It doesn't have a buckler so that hits. You swing the sword and knock it into the air before it lands back on the ground with a thud. It's not moving."  
_  
"Ha! That's how it should be done. Who wants some?" taunted Toji, finally getting into his character.  
  
_"The goblin that missed you Hikari moves behind you and tries to swing again. It misses though but makes a dent in your armour, that was a close one."  
_  
"Whew... I was worried there for a second..." sighed Hikari.  
  
_ "The other goblin takes advantage of the fact that you are flanked and tries to shove its short sword in a gap in your armour. It is successful and you take 4 damage as your side begins to bleed. The goblin grins as you cringe in pain."_  
  
"Ah! That sneaky goblin!" exclaimed Hikari, noting that she only had 6 hitpoints left.  
  
"M'lady! I will protect you!" cried Toji, grasping his d20 tightly turning his knuckles white.  
  
"Shinji, it's your turn... Shinji? Asuka, get off Shinji, it's his turn!"  
  
Asuka looked up over the table, still strangling Shinji. "What? Already?" Ok it's your turn and don't you dare hurt me if you are trying to break free, got it?" Asuka leaped off Shinji and returned to her seat, arms crossed.  
  
Shinji sat up on the floor and rubbed his neck. "S-sure thing Asuka," he rasped. He took his seat as well and tapped the table.  
  
"So Shinji, what are you going to do?"  
  
"I... don't know. How can I get Asuka of me with out hurting her? I know! I will try and get her on top of me so I can flip her over my head," suggested Shinji.  
  
"Good idea, both of you do opposed strength checks." Kaji watched the dice roll and took not of the results. "Ok, Shinji one the check so Asuka, Tashia is on top."  
  
"Pervert..." mumbled Asuka.  
  
"Shinji and Asuka, another strength check to see if Adhan can flip Tashia over." Kaji watched the dice once again and cringed as Shinji's landed on a 1. "Ow, that is going to hurt. Tashia has the advantage and has Adhan pinned.  
  
"You're so going to pay for that," smirked Asuka, cracking her knuckles in Shinji's direction.  
  
"Those of you who are watching, you catch a glimpse of Stumpy at the top of the tree. He is grinning manically and tosses his buckler behind him which hits the ground and rolls away. He grabs his short sword and leaps off the tree, sword first, towards the wrestling Adhan and Tashia. Asuka, you're character is facing downwards so you have no idea this is happening. Shinji, you can try and react in someway. What will you do?"  
  
Shinji stared at his character sheet and exhaled heavily. He then looked at Asuka who was staring pale-faced at the miniatures on the table. "I want to try and get on top of Asu-er, Tashia and take the sword hit instead."  
  
"Alright, opposed strength checks and Shinji needs to win." Kaji watched in anticipation as both Asuka and Shinji rolled their dice. Shinji got 11 while Asuka got 12, but Shinji's character is stronger so the final result was Asuka with 12 and Shinji with 13. "You barely rollover and get on top when the goblin lands on Adhan's back, the short sword piercing straight through for 16 damage..."  
  
"Ack! I am on -6, I'm almost dead!" cried Shinji, mortified by Stumpy's critical damage.  
  
"What? No one does that to my Ranger boy and lives! Stumpy you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE it's not even funny!" growled Asuka, cracking her knuckles.  
  
"Hikari?"  
  
"You terrible goblins, are dare you attack a woman? Face righteous fury!" proclaimed Hikari. "I will slam the goblin near me to the side with my shield. Darn it, I rolled a 3... that's not going to do it.  
  
"Right, that goblin ducks away from your poor swing and you miss. Rei?"  
  
"I don't want to shoot Stumpy because if I miss, I might hit Shinji... and he will die. So I will shoot the goblin Hikari missed. I rolled a 17 to attack and 6 for damage," Rei said.  
  
"You are rolling well today Ayanami, the bolt strikes the goblin in the back and it falls over. Toji it is your turn."  
  
"Right! I charge the last remaining goblin and hack it to bits!" replied Toji. He rolled his d20 and got a 20 then a 16. "Alright!," cheered Toji, "this is SO going to sting! I do 20 damage! EAT THIS GREEN GOBLIN SKUM!"  
  
"You're looking good, you charge the goblin and with a swing of your greatsword, cleaving it in half splashing the area with red blood. It's inards pour..."  
  
"Ewwww... you don't have to be so graphical Mr. Ryoji," cringed Hikari.  
  
"Sorry, it's just part of the game. Descriptions, descriptions, descriptions. Anyway, Shinji, it's your turn. Do a stability check... oh dear you didn't make it so you are on -7."  
  
"It's my turn and that goblin is SO going to eat dirt. I want to push Adhan and Stumpy of me..." announced Asuka confidently. "scheisse, I only got 7 for my strength check. Can I still do anything else?"  
  
"Yes, that was a move action. You can still attack or cast a spell."  
  
"Fine, I want to cast chromatic sphere at that stupid goblin!"  
  
"Ok, you try to cast the spell but since you are pinned by both Stumpy and Adhan..."  
  
"Dummkopf..."  
  
"... you need to succeed in a concentration check, DC15. Great, you succeed in casting the spell and the goblin takes 4 damage. He is also affected by a random effect." Kaji rolls a d8 and suppresses a chuckle as the die lands on an 8. "You can hear the goblin mutter; I... can't... move.... oh... buggersticks..."  
  
"That's what you get for messing with me and Ranger boy. Well Rain? Stumpy is down and I am still alive... so much for your divination."  
  
"I am never wrong..." whispered Rei, crossbow still in hand.  
  
"I'm... Stumpy Jr..."  
  
"Oh scheisse..."  
  
"Shinji, do another stabilization check... oh dear you didn't make it... you are on -8."  
  
"Goodbye everyone..." said Shinji dejectedly.  
  
Asuka quickly turned towards Shinji, eyes wide open. "Oh mein Gott! You're still dying! Stumpy Jr or whatever your name is, if my Ranger boy dies I am going to make you wish you were a girl!"  
  
"The goblin turns and looks pleadingly at the Paladin. Kill... me... now... please! twitch"  
  
"Sorry, I'm a pacifist," shrugged Hikari.  
  
"Oh... arse..."  
  
Prologue 1  
  
"Listen everyone," began Kaji, "I am going to teach you some very important principals of D&D. The first is called the CHECK."  
  
"The CHECK?" asked Hikari.  
  
"Yes. When you need to accomplish something like for example... jumping a gap, you need to roll a d20 and add your ability mod and skill ranks."  
  
The children shifted uncomfortably as Kaji continued his explanation.  
  
"The next important one is the SAVE. You roll a d20 and add your ability mod and appropriate save. So let us say that this spider poisoned you and I ask you to do a fortitude save. You roll a d20 and add your fortitude save mod to get your fortitude save."  
  
Toji raised his hand to draw Kaji's attention. "So let me get this straight... if you want to save against Misato's cooking, you need to roll a d20 and add your fortitude save mod to resist the effects?"  
  
"Normally that would be correct but in the example you gave you would never be able to pass the DC or difficulty class."  
  
"Hey!?" cried Misato.  
  
Kaji beamed at Misato and returned his gaze to the children. "This leads me to the final principal for now, the difficulty class. The DC for a spider poison would be 10 so the average person would not have a problem making the fortitude save against the poison. Misato's cooking on the other hand..."  
  
"Hey, leave my cooking out of this!" complained Misato.  
  
"... would have a DC of around 38..."  
  
"Hey, didn't you hear me!?"  
  
"... which is high even for powerful epic characters."  
  
"Hello? Kaji? I'm right here!" waved Misato dumbfounded.  
  
"You know what? I don't think even the Tarrasque can make the save, and it can eat ANYTHING!"  
  
"Mr. Ryoji..." growled Misato, her eyes narrowed at Kaji.  
  
Kaji smiled at Misato who was now positively fuming. He noticed that the children were all shifting uncomfortably as if they had a question to ask. "Hey kids, something wrong?"  
  
Hikari stood up and bit her lip. "Well, Mr. Ryoji sir..." she said, "we have been wanting to ask this question for a while, but we're worried that you'll annoyed with us if we did."  
  
Kaji smiled understandingly. "Don't be silly, why should I get annoyed? Ask your question and I will answer it and put your mind at ease."  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Go on Miss Horaki..."  
  
"What's a d20?"  
  
(twitch) 


	2. There just HAD to be a Gnome!

**Evas & Dragons: Part 2: There just HAD to be a Gnome!**

By Caligoiel

Author's notes: Going to take the opportunity to reply to a couple of reviews I received (hehehe...)

**Baladar: Good story, but I saw two problems.**

**1. A Diviner is a wizard that is specialized in divination; a sorcerer cannot become a diviner.**

You are right and I will change the relevant sentence at some point.

**2. I don't see a 1st level sorcerer casting a 9th level spell.**

Yes, well... it seemed appropriate at the time.

**Crimson Noble: I would like to point out that to kill a Tarrasque one needs the Wish spell? but I expect you knew that.**

Yes I did. Think of it this way, if YOU were the Tarrasque and had to eat Misato's cooking then wouldn't you WISH you were dead? Hmm? ;)

**As I understand it, rolling a 1 is a critical miss. The usual effect I've seen of this is a "You stab yourself in the foot" sort of thing.**

True but if 1st level characters stabbed themselves, then they would probably end up killing themselves. And besides, the written outcome was much more amusing.

**James W: An epic masterpiece?**

One day... one day it shall be... one day...

**Richard Sutton: Where is Kensuke?**

Eaten by a dire fiendish were-Gerbil named Joey :P

_Italics: Kaji in GM mode_

Normal font: everyone else.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm going to die?" mumbled Shinji. He leaned on the table, propping his head up with an arm.

"No you shall not!" proclaimed Hikari. "I am a Paladin of Light and thus I always carry a stock of healing alchemy."

"Well use some already!" yelled Asuka.

_"Shinji, make another stabilization check, oh dear me, you failed again and now are on -9."_

"I quickly rush to Adhan and pour a cure light potion down his throat, healing 7 damage," rushed Hikari.

_"Alright, you do and Adhan is up to -2 hitpoints. But on the plus side, he is stable."_

"And YOU, Mr. Stumpy." growled Asuka.

_"'It's... junior... Stumpy Junior.'"_

"Kaji, I place the point of my sword squarely on the goblin and ask him why he attacked us."

_"'I'm... not... telling'"_

"Oh really?" grinned Asuka evilly. "Are you sure you won't change your mind?"

_"The goblin looks like it is thinking then it abruptly says 'no'."_

"Mr. Stumpy Junior," began Rei, "I highly suggest that you cooperate as the future does not look very good for you."

_"'Oh? what gave you THAT idea?'"_

"The fact that Sorceress Tashia is preparing her branding irons right now," added Rei.

_"The goblin tries to turn and looks behind him... seeing?"_

"Oh nothing really," explained Asuka. "I'm just heating up my branding irons so we can make the goblin more talkative."

Hikari stared wide eyed at Asuka. "Tashia?! No, you will not torture this poor goblin! It is inhumane and unjust! I cannot allow this!"

_"'Yeah! don't torture the poor goblin'"_

"But it isn't human, so how can this be called inhumane?" inquired Toji.

"No! Squire, how could you?! Have you already forgotten what I have taught you?" lectured Hikari, "After all the-"

_"'What are you doing?!'"_

"-lessons I have taught you and all the principals you have learned, how could-"

_"'The self-righteous dimwit said not to torture me!'"_

"-you forget the time we have spent together reciting the tenets of faith and the 37 lores of The Light, you even dare to-"

_"'No, NO, NOT THERE!'"_

"Er... Milady?" said Toji trying to interrupt the paladin.

"-jest that torturing a goblin is not inhumane? Does it not bleed as we do? Does it not-"

_"'OH, THE AGONY!'"_

"Milady! The Sorceress is-"

"Never mind the Sorceress! Does not the goblin feel pain as we do? Does it not-" continued Hikari.

_"'OW, THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!'"_

"-hunger as we do? Sleep as we do? All creatures have the right to live-"

"Hello? Milady?" asked Toji, waving his hand in front of Hikari.

_"'No, ANYTHING BUT THAT IN THERE!'"_

"-a life with out pain and suffering. To even suggest that we should torture the poor creature in order-"

_"AAAEEEIIIEEEEE! MY SPLEEN!"_

"But- but?" Toji attempted to interrupt yet again, but to no avail.

"-to obtain information from it? For shame Squire, for shame!"

"Well, I found out what we needed to know," said Asuka smugly.

Toji sighed as Hikari snapped to her senses. "Pardon? You convinced it to cooperate?" asked Hikari.

"Er, why of course! It was simple, really. I will explain as we continue our travels, so let's go," Asuka answered hurriedly.

"Tashia!" frowned Hikari. "You didn't torture the poor goblin, did you?"

Asuka pouted coyly. "Now why would I do such a thing?"

"Milady!" exclaimed Toji, "I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen!"

Hikari faced Toji, brow raised. "Tried to tell me what?"

"Milady, I do believe what your squire is trying to say is that Sorceress Tashia obtained her information using somewhat dubious means," added Rei.

"Is that true?" inquired Hikari

"You think I tortured him? Ok, I may have tossed him around a little, but I didn't torture him."

"So why is he unconscious? with burn marks everywhere? and a metal rod sticking out of-"

"What?" interrupted Asuka slyly. "Oh my! How did that get in there? Oh, don't worry about him, he has had a long day and is just... er... sleeping."

_"Well, I say this calls for a bluff check Asuka."_

"Fine!" frowned Asuka. She tosses her dice and grins. "Well, I make that to be a 17."

_"Hikari, your sense motive?"_

"Wow! I got a 22!"

"Darn it!" mumbled Asuka.

_"Hikari, you think something is up and that Tashia is hiding something."_

"Oh really? Kaji, I walk up to the goblin and check its condition."

_"Ok, do a heal check."_

"Oh dear, I rolled a 3," pouted Hikari in disappointment.

_"Well then, you examine the goblin and see nothing wrong with him at all. In fact, you suspect that he is probably just sleeping? or drunk."_

"I gently shake the goblin. Hello? Stumpy Junior? You all right?"

_"Nyeh... one more minute, mommy..."_

"See?" sneered Asuka. "He's just having a nap, the poor little thing, all traumatized like that."

"Well... fair enough. Hmmm, do I smell chicken? Never mind, just out of curiosity, are you going to leave your guardian unconscious?" inquired Hikari sternly.

"We do not possess the ability to heal wounds or revive the unconscious. I am unsure what we can do to help," Rei said.

"Well, we were headed to the nearby village of Bilton. It's a small place but they have a temple to the god Heironeous. I'm sure that they would help," added Toji, tossing a dice in the air and catching it.

"You are right, squire! WE shall accompany you to the village and ensure that your guardian gets his wounds treated."

"So... I am not dead?" asked Shinji hesitantly.

_"No Shinji, even with Asuka's efforts, you are still alive."_

"What? What was that supposed to mean?" fumed Asuka.

_"You were choking him to death!"_

"He ruined my robes!"

_"So that is reason to try and kill him?"_

"I'm chaotic, so sue me," shrugged Asuka.

_"Okay, so before you head off to Bilton, what are you doing with Stumpy Junior?"_

"Hmmm, he may return to his tribe and come back for revenge," murmured Toji suspiciously.

"I suspect that Stumpy junior will return to his tribe, but he will not seek revenge," whispered Rei.

"We must leave this poor creature be. I am sure he has learned his lesson and will cause no more problems," proclaimed Hikari.

"Burn him!" exclaimed Asuka.

Hikari eyed Asuka keenly. "What was that?"

"Er, turn him? yeah, let's turn him over to the town militia at Bilton!" recovered Asuka.

Hikari beamed at Asuka. "Great idea. We will take him with us and turn him in there."

_"Right, you take the unconscious Stumpy Junior and Adhan to Bilton. Normally it is a 2 hour journey, but because you are burdened by two unconscious people, the journey takes 3 hours instead. In the distance you can see the town of Bilton. It is situated along the river Brookstone. All the buildings are made of cut stone and thatched roofs. There is a group of children playing with a dog and an elderly woman is tending a small apple tree. You can hear the sounds of sheep and cows in the distance."_

"I guess we're here," commented Toji. "All these cows are making me hungry."

"You are always hungry, squire," smiled Hikari.

"What do you expect? You're a slave driver when it comes to training!"

"Speaking of which, dear squire, when we get to town we need to have a little talk about ethics." She frowned.

"But why? I know it all already!"

"Squire! You tried to kill those goblins without even trying to talk to them first."

"I've a big sword?" interjected Toji.

"You could have tried to talk to them."

"They were hitting me with their swords, Milady!"

"That is beside the point, Squire!" exclaimed Hikari. "You must always give peace a chance! I did it and you can too."

"But I am in Chain mail and you are in Full plate with a shield, they couldn't hit you if you were tied upside down to a tree!"

"Er... you shouldn't attempt peace only when the situation is convenient to do so, for shame!" she scolded.

"Yes, mother..." he muttered.

_"You eventually make it into Bilton when a man in studded leather carrying a halberd runs up to you. 'By Heironeous, what happened here!?' he exclaims."_

"Good man, my companions and I were ambushed en route by goblins. This brave man is severely injured but stable, and we have captured one of the goblins."

"Brave man? The imbecile literally jumped in front of the sword and skewered himself!" huffed Asuka.

"Tashia! He risked his life to guard yours, the least you could do is show some gratitude." Hikari frowned.

"It's his job," she muttered.

_"'If this is true, then we must help him quickly. Follow me and I will take you to the Church of Heironeous, Lord of Light.' The guard motions to another guard who quickly rushes up. He steps up to the guard who then salutes him. 'Private, take this goblin to the prison and keep a close eye on him, do not trust a word he says, understand? Good."_

"We must hurry, let us go to the church," whispered Rei.

_"Okay, you make your way to the church. The town is quite small and in ten minutes you reach the church. The church is much of what you would expect for a church of Heironeous. The walls are white and decorated with gold and silver designs. All the windows are stained glass showing motifs of paladins, dragons, and peace. The guard ushers you into the church and gestures towards a middle-aged man kneeling in front of a white marbled altar. The kneeling man raises his head and slowly stands up. His white robes and sashes flow behind him as he walks towards you, a serene look on his face. He looks at the Adhan's body and then at all of you. 'Welcome to the church of Heironeous, what has happened here?'"_

"This idiot got himself stabbed by a goblin," smirked Asuka.

"The young man was guarding this young lady and fell doing his duty," added Hikari.

_"'Truly? Come and place him on the altar and I will help him. I would have it no other way.'"_

"Alright," replied Toji.

_"'Lady Paladin, will you join me in prayer to the Lord of Light?'"_

"Of course!"

_"The cleric stands in front of the altar and raises a large gold goblet in the air. He mutters some divine incantations and pours a silvery liquid over Adhan's body. The liquid shimmers and seeps into the body. Suddenly Adhan twitches and his eyes open wide. Shinji?"_

"What the heck just happened?" inquired Shinji groggily.

"You idiot! Jumping in front of the knife like that!" yelled Asuka, slapping Shinji on the back of the head, "If you ever scare me like that again I will kill you myself!"

"Didn't you try and do that already?" asked Shinji.

"Oh, shut up..." growled Asuka.

_"'The Light Lord has given you his blessing. He approves of your deed and gives you another chance to perform good deeds. If you will excuse me, I need to continue my prayers. Good day and may your paths be forever bright.'"_

"May the Light Lord guide you," replied Hikari. "Shall we go to a tavern and have a good meal? I think we all need it."

"Now you're talking!" cheered Toji.

_"You exit the church then? Alright? you leave the church."_

"I go up to the nearest commoner and ask him where the nearest tavern is," said Hikari.

_"Fine, you ask a middle-aged woman and she says that if you go down the cobble path for 5 minutes then you will reach a nice place called the White Raven."_

"Well, let's go already. I'm absolutely famished!" whined Toji impatiently.

_"You walk down the cobble road and reach the White Raven inn. As you approach it you hear lively music playing and voices singing. Not necessarily in tune, but the song is joyful and merry anyway."_

"Brilliant..." mumbled Asuka."

"I rush in the tavern towards the bar keep," said Toji excitedly.

_"Uh... sure. The barkeep looks up from cleaning the counter. 'Whot can ah be a gett'n yeh?'"_

"What?"

_"'Whot can ah be a gett'n yeh?'"_

Toji scratched his head. "Barkeep, I don't understand a word you're saying!" he exclaimed.

_"'Whot ahre ye ah talk'n aboot? Ah em a speak'n common, ah asked ye what do yeh be a wont'n?'"_

"Kaji! What's up with the stupid accent?" asked Asuka.

_"I am trying to add mood, alright?"_

"What are you saying, barkeep?!" asked Toji anxiously.

_"The barkeep frowns then take a deep breath. 'Whot are ye a talk'n aboot? Are yeh so daft dat yeh can nae understand a bloody word aye am a say's? Yeh bludie foreigners a comb's 'ere with year bloom'n accents and ways and yeh dare ask me what aye am ah say's?'"_

"Er..."

_"'Food?'"_

"Yes!"

_"'Aye... sit yerself doon.'"_

"What?"

_"'SIT YER BLOOM'N SELF DOON!'"_

"Oh... right, sheesh. Calm down, high blood pressure and all that."

_"The rest of you enter the tavern to see the bar keep storm round the back. The tavern is quite full of people. You can see to the left a group of people playing a game of cards... and it looks like the guy in a red tunic is losing. You can also see a group of dwarves who have taking up a corner of their own and are keeping to themselves. Another thing draws your attention; sat towards the back of the room are an unlikly pair. There is a large blonde human female wearing studded leather with two axes strapped to her back. There is also a male Gnome with spikey blond hair and a small goatee. He is wearing ringmail and appears to have several flintlock pistols and glass vials plugged with cloth. You can hear the conversation they are having."_

"Misato-er- Nina, hey Nina, wake up!" encouraged Kensuke as he tried to shake Misato awake.

"What? Are we there yet?" slurred Misato.

"It appears that Misato is intoxicated," noted Rei.

"What gave you that idea, wondergirl, her laziness or the 8 cans of beer next to her?" Asuka smirked sarcastically.

"Where are we?" murmured Misato, her face flat on the table.

"We're in the town of Bilton, in the White Raven tavern," replied Kensuke.

"A tavern?" questioned Misato followed by a short pause then a giggle, "Ok, must stay IC or whatever. Nina want more ALE!"

Toji cocked a brow. "A barbarian named Nina?"

"We have a pacifist paladin, a blood thirsty squire..."

"Hey!" piped Toji

"A stoic diviner, Ranger boy, and a gorgeous sorceress... no way are we having anything to do with them!" cried Asuka.

_"The barkeep walks up to the barbarian and gnome and places a tankard of beer on the table. 'So, ave yeh found yer treasah yeet?'"_

"Yes and no," answered Kensuke, shaking his head. "We've found the place, but without magic it appears that we cannot get in there."

_"Aye dunnae know aboot thes magic mumbo jumbo, but yeh may wan? te ask them lot o'er there."_

Misato lifts her head off the table and glances off in the direction of Asuka and the others. "And why is that?"

_"Can yeh naet tell? They be spellcasters an aye bet ye that they be from the amythest tower playce."_

"Oh really?" asked Kensuke, eyes wide. "Great, then. I jump off my stool and walk over to them."

_Sure. You see a gnome trundle over towards you._

"Hey! I am Tiddlewink Flambart, a pleasure to meet you!"

"A pleasure Tiddlewink. I'm Adhan De'Remey, can we help you?" Shinji asked hesitantly.

"I am SO glad you asked! My companion-"

Burp

"-and I are trying to get into a magical vault but it seems to be locked by magic," continued Kensuke.

"I see, but how can we help?"

"Can we borrow one of your spellcaster please PLEASE!?" cried Kensuke desperately.

"WHAT? Borrow? You think you can just BORROW one of us? You think that I, Tashia Silverhand, will allow myself to be borrowed by a Gnome and an unhygenic barbarian to go off galavanting in a forest to a vault protected by MAGIC, probably for a very good reason I may add, to face untold dangers, perils and tests JUST so you can LOOT the damn place and become RICH?" burst Asuka, her eyes burning into Kensuke.

"... so what are you saying?" blinked Kensuke.

"NO! No, No, No, NO! GO away you little ankle bitter, we don't have time to do this!"

"You're mean," mumbled Kensuke.

"You just noticed?" Toji quipped, grinning, only to be slapped in the back of the head by Hikari.

"Ow! I thought you were a pacifist," replied Toji in a start, rubbing the back of his head.

"I am, that was subdual damage," she smiled sweetly.

"Oh? You are on a quest?" asked Kensuke curiously.

"Well?" yelled Misato, "what did they- burp -say?" Misato got up and stumbled round towards the children and extended her hand out, to the surprise of everyone.

"Hey, I'm Nina Bonebreaker," she smiled drunkenly.

"The answer is still no!" repeated Asuka, folding her arms defiantly.

"Sorceress Tashia," whispered Rei, "I believe that you are forgetting something."

"And what is that?"

"You are not the leader of this group- Ranger Adhan is."

"WHAT?!" cried Asuka in disbelief.

"I am?" cringed Shinji.

"That is correct, Ranger Adhan. You are our guide and also our Guardian. You know the dangers of the outside world and the path we must take to the Cave of Trials. I do believe it is safe to assume that you should be the leader."

Shinji's cheeks slowly turned red and he sank into his seat. "Um? sounds good and all, but there is one problem with that? I don't actually KNOW exactly where the cave is."

"Did you say Cave of Trials?" asked Misato, grinning slowly.

Asuka's face turned pale. "Oh no..." she whispered.

"Yes, why do you ask?" inquired Shinji.

"No," whimpered Asuka.

"I know where it is, I have been in the area many times."

"Mystra, Mistress of Magic, help me!" she whimpered even more.

"If we help you with this vault, will you tell us where the cave is?"

"Sure!" said Kensuke enthusiastically, "and even better, we will SHOW you!"

"Oh #$%& !#$£, I absolutely !#%$ing refuse!"

"That sounds like a splendid idea, one big adventuring party!" cheered Hikari.

"You are coming too? Our mission to the Cave of Trials doesn't involve you," noted Asuka suspiciously.

Hikari's eyes narrowed. "Think of me as your conscience," she replied.

"Oh, joy."

_"Right, I take it you go around town and pick up the provisions you need? Good. One hour later you head off towards the vault and reach it in 43 minutes. The vault is not what you would expect really... there is a pond with a large iron door floating about 8 feet above it. There are no visible stairs or means of climbing up. Towards the center of the pond the water becomes very dark, as if it is very deep. The pond is lined with weeping willows and pond reeds."_

"Is this the place?" asked Toji.

"Yes it is. We can't figure out how to get through the door or even how to get to it," replied Kensuke.

Rei turns toward Kaji. "I wish to cast detect magic and see what magical auras the pond emits."

_"Alright, you cast detect magic and concentrate as a wave of colours forms in front of you. Do a spellcraft check."_

"I got an 18."

_"That's enough; you examine the auras and notice that there are apparently blocks of magic spread out over the pond. They emit magic from the Illusion school. The door itself has auras of Illusion, Transmutation, Divination and Summoning."_

"It appears that there is a path above the pond towards the door but it can only be seen by magic."

"Wow!" gasped Kensuke.

"So why can't I see it?" asked Asuka angrily.

"You do not have the Detect Magic spell," Rei deadpanned.

"Not fair," she mumbled.

"I will need to go first and lead the way towards the door."

"That is unacceptable, Rain!" exclaimed Hikari. "I can not allow you to put yourself in such danger."

"The Paladin is right," added Shinji, "I should really go first."

Rei shook her head. "That would not be wise. I am the only person here that is capable of seeing the platforms and therefore I should go first. Mr. Kaji, I wish to climb towards the door."

_"Okay, you will need to keep concentrating on the detection spell though so that you can see the magical auras. You climb the platforms one by one, all of them are within easy reach of eachother so the climb is fairly basic. That is until you get to the platform before the door. This platoform is around 5 feet away from the door and you can't reach the door from it."_

"I cannot proceed further, there are no more platforms."

"What now?" asked Shinji.

"Rain, stand back and I will blast it with a spell," Asuka grinned.

"Sorceress Tashia, I do not believe that would be wise. The door may be but an illusion hiding a portal."

"Really? How do you suppose we open the door then if we can't reach it?" she smirked.

"Simple," whispered Rei confidently. "Mr. Kaji, I wish to jump into the door."

_"Alright, the jump is a simple one and you can't really fail it so you jump towards the door. Everyone else, you see Rain jump towards the door and she passes through it."_

"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Misato.

"Hmmm... My barbarian friend has had one too many, these simple jumps will be tough," said Kensuke.

"Let's take our time, the platforms aren't going anywhere," replied Asuka.

_"So you take your time climbing up the platforms and jump into the portal. Just make jump checks to make sure, and Misato, substract four from your roll. Okay, everyone does decently enough. Misato, you occasionally get a couple of close calls due to your drunken state but you were able to recover your balance and make it through. Hikari, your platemail makes the jumping very difficult but with a lot of effort you make it through. You are all standing in front a small 15x15 foot room that appears to be carved out of rock and is occasionally lined with some sort of glowing mushrooms. There is only once exit that you can see and that is a dark passage in front of you. The portal behind you is nowhere to be seen."_

"Looks like we have no choice now..." whispered Shinji.

"I lead the way and walk slowly through the passage," declared Asuka.

_"You make your way through the passage and quickly reach another room that is a fair bit bigger than the last one. This one is about 30x30 though it isn't square and has stalagtites and stalagmites everywhere. The glowing mushrooms fill this room giving it a glow as if it were a full moon. Listen checks, everyone."_

"10," muttered Asuka.

"5," sighed Shinji, "always 5."

"13," whispered Rei.

"11," replied Hikari and Toji in unison.

"15," answered Misato.

"21," grinned Kensuke.

_"Well that's amusing; Kensuke is the only one to hear the patter of little footsteps rush towards you. Out from behind some rocks rush about 14 miniscule goblin-like creatures. They stand 1/2 a foot tall and are wearing dirty leather and furs. Each one is carrying a buckler the size of bottle cap and a couple of spears."_

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Asuka, "what are you supposed to be?"

"_'Yer knee caps are at me mercy!'"_

"You can't reach my kneecaps,"

_"'Fine! yer ankles are at me mercy!' the creatures cry before a volley of toothpick sized spears bounce off you."_

"How cute!" smiled Hikari.

_"Suddenly, you hear a roar which shakes the very cave walls themselves. The tiny creatures jump up and down and shout 'now you're in for it!!'"_

"I step backwards away from the noise, that doesn't sound too good."

_"The creatures give a high pitched squeal and charge towards you. 'Go for the ankles!'"_

Kensuke grined and adjusted his glasses. "Oh boy, this is going to be good. Time to show you what a Technologist can do."

_"Initiative please."_

"Ranger boy, guard me!"

"But I haven't had my dinner yet!" sighed Toji in defeat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Prereader: choppedchives


End file.
